I fucked God up the ass

Earlier today, in the midst of a frankly hilarious conversation with Gary (‘Nirvana’ on black0ps), I said I was going to blog about something. Unfortunately, I’ve forgotten what that was, and Windows Live Messenger has a habit of blatantly lying when it says it has the ability to make contact logs – they all come up blanker than a very black thing in the middle of Antarctica. So, while he finds that, I’ll talk about something else.

Infact, there’s a few things I’ve been ‘savouring’, so to speak.

• Why do Tesco insist on using superglue on their toilet rolls? It’s not a nice experience when, trousers at ankle level, sat on the toilet, you have to rip off half the roll to get it started. Then, of course, you either end up ripping it and pulling off sheets at half-width, or the two layers separate and thus you have to pull off the desired length twice, then attempt to reunite the two layers in lavatorial communion before committing them to do their job.


• The new ‘put the lime in the coke you nut’ advert. If you haven’t seen it, then please, allow me to explain. (Readers of a nervous disposition are strongly advised to scroll down).
  
  It starts with a scene in the coke factory, and man (hereafter known as ‘Man A’) happens to be holding a lime in one hand and a bottle of coke in the other. Quite why he has the lime remains a mystery. Seconds later, two thought bubbles emerge from his ears, containing pictures of the items he’s holding, as if to reinforce the fact that – yes – this is a lime, and this is a bottle of coke.
  
  Evidently, some tiny spark of inventiveness is triggered inside the man’s head, and he runs off to his boss (Man B) who, upon the arrival of Man A, shouts, with a raised eyebrow and a rather disturbing paedophilic smirk, “Now let me get this straight”, without even being told what the idea he is attempting to de-wrinkle is. This is also quite ironic because Man B is quite clearly a closet homosexual.
  
  The advert then leaves the alphabetically-monickered individuals and cuts to inside the coke factory again, and we see a balding conveyer-belt operator trying to demonstrate how get the lime into a coke bottle to a minion who clearly cannot comprehend the thought of lime-flavoured liquid, I imagine he is probably thinking, “Mmm, hamburgers.”
  
  The next thing we see is a convoy of coca-cola trucks leaving the factory, and, seconds later, a news reporter takes a swig of the amazing new drink and exclaims in rabid fascination, “Wow! This is coke – with lime”, just in case we hadn’t yet figured that out. The closing shot is of a picture of the lime-flavoured coke, or ‘come’ as I like to call it.
  
  It looks just like normal coke, exect for the glaringly off-putting fact that it’s bright green. This leads me to conclude that it is, infact, toxic waste and should be avoided at all costs. There’s also a scene with a tractor in, but I wasn’t sad enough to memorise the entire advert – just parts of it.


• There was definitely some other stuff, but I can’t remember what it was, and besides, Gary’s found the topic I was meant to be writing about.

The Gate is Open

...is the new slogan for Bulldog Broadband. Let’s rewind:

Some of you may be aware of a company called Bulldog. They do broadband, which, until recently, was available at a maximum connection speed of 8 – yes, 8 Mbps. Now, presumably because of the employment of over 5,000,000 new hamsters, gerbils and other assorted rodents (used primarily to generate such high connection speeds, but also as attackers to nibble through the cables of opposing ISPs), they are offering speeds at double their previous maximum – 16Mbps. For just £14.99 a month.

Sounds great, does it not? Well, yes, but anyone with even a vague trace of common sense will instinctively know there must be a catch. And, of course, there is. A rather large one; a 1Gb cap. So, you’ll be happily downloading at 16Mbps, and suddenly you’ll run out of bandwidth and presumably start paying absurdly high rates for every megabyte you download from then on.

This, however, is circumnavigational..able..whatever. Bulldog offers a £24.99 version of its 16meg broadband which removes the 1gig cap and lets you download as much as you want.

There is still one tiny problem though. The fine print kindly points out that the connection speed is subject to availability, line strength, quality, location, how many kids you have and what colour underwear you’ve got on. As you may have guessed, I made the last two up, but nonetheless the point remains – there’re probably about three people in the whole of the UK who can get the maximum connection speed.

If you go here, you can check whether or not your household is capable of receiving the steroid-enhanced connection. It would appear that most BT lines operate at a maximum of 2.2Mbps.

Yes, the gate may well be open, but only if you live in the field. And, yes, that analogy was shite, but you know what I mean.

Now, Gary, I believe we were discussing laying our own phone lines for ‘teh oobar aye-ess-pee”?

Oh, yes, the title – taken from the song ‘Patrick Bateman’ by the Manics. Obviously, it has absolutely no relevance to this entry, it just sounds controversial, and controversial is good.