Big Mutha [expletive removed]

Or, “Orwell would be turning in his grave”.

And with good reason too. The 12 social rejects they’ve rounded up this time seem even more mentally backwards, to say the least, than ever. They possess the conversational skills of a group of toddlers, and clearly have absolutely no shame. At all.

Let’s have a look at the housemates, shall we?

Bonnie. Apparently she has a penchant for fiddling with herself in public. She claims to be a care worker, which mean’s she works in a nursery half-heartedly giving screaming children bottles of milk and yelling at them to, “shat the fack up” while she tries to talk to Britney on her mobile.

Dawn. She looks dead (that is, dead. Passed away. Snuffed it) in her picture on the C4 website. Evidently she has little in the way of a life, as she spends her time reading textbooks and claims to be an exercise scientist (though this obviously means she just goes running quite a lot).

George. “He describes himself as stubborn, posh, and comical”. Quite how a stubborn, posh person could be comical eludes me, but there you go. Apparently he’s married to the queen or something.

Glyn. He boasts not only a weird name, but also a very strange face and is ridiculously arrogant. Good for him. He says he hates animals, which is paradoxical because by definition he therefore hates himself, yet claims to be wonderful. Right, then…

Grace. She appears to be being asphyxiated in the picture of her on the C4 website. She says she lives on her own, which literally translates as, “I’m a whore”.

Imogen. C4 claim she’s ‘sexy and edgy’. According to her ‘personal data’ she’s a bar hostess, which quite clearly means she’s a stripper. She also claims to have brains, but doesn’t like jokes because ‘she doesn’t get them’. I see.

Lea. I had to double check to make sure this one was actually a human before I started writing about her/ it. She says she’s a model, though Plastic Surgery Weekly is the only magazine I could possibly imagine her ever appearing in. Seriously, there’s sexy, and then there’s just plain wrong.

Lisa. A Chinese/ Mancunian chav who would appear to have no neck, and, according to her picture on C4’s site, claims to be “wild, crazy and sexy”. That is, until you actually see the picture, or hear her talk. Then she could be summed up as just “annoying”.

Mikey. He says he’s a software developer. What’s this? My god! Someone with a hint of intellect! Maybe so, but it’s somewhat wasted – he’s also a model, and his ‘party piece’ is using his mouth as a bottle opener. [Edit - thinking about it, 'software developer' probably means he thinks he has 'teh ubar hmtl skillz0rs'.]

Nikki. Described as a “wannabe footballer’s wife”, which essentially means she enjoys being screwed by chavs. She says she’s a model/ dancer – I think you can see where this is going.

Pete. He has Tourette’s. I’m all for equality, but really, you have to pity the guy – he’s being put on TV in front of god-knows how many million uneducated people who haven’t even heard of his condition and are just going to get a laugh out of watching him shout “tits” randomly.

Richard. There’s always one isn’t there? He’s gay, (it’s even more obvious than Dale “I want you to bust my colon” Winton), fancies Vin Diesel, and his utopian ideal is being sent to prison. Each to his own, ‘n’ all that, but really, why the hell would anyone, gay or not, want to be bummed by a fat, hairy, sweaty convict who’ll make you drop your soap and then shout, “You’d better bend over and pick that up”.

Sezer. Says he ‘hates politics and Tony Blair’; these two claims, however, are quite obviously mutually exclusive. If he hates politics, then he’ll have no interest in it, and thus he’ll know bugger all about Mr Blair. He’s also shaved half of one his eyebrows off, wears a gold chain, likes women, and used to be a boxer. Oh, and he says the three words he’d use to describe himself are “made of platinum”. Nope, they don’t come much thicker.

Shahbaz. He’s the as-required-in-order-for-the-show-to-be-politically-correct homosexual Asian dude. I’m only guessing he’s gay, but he likes knitting and Kylie Minogue, and calls himself a party animal. Obvious, no?

Well, there you go. Twelve more deluded hopefuls blindly seeking fame, which, for however the long show is on for, will be partially true. Then it’ll end, two or three will sell their stories to The Sun, buy a car or something, shag a TV presenter, and then fade into obscurity like everyone else.

If you want an entertaining take on Reality TV, read Dead Famous by Ben Elton.

G’night.